


Unrequited Love

by AnnaOkegom



Series: Okegom Roleplay [1]
Category: Okegom, Okegom Roleplay
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Low Self-Esteem, Other, Unrequited Love, i want to hug her so badly, ivlin's constant struggle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-01 04:10:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13990206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaOkegom/pseuds/AnnaOkegom
Summary: One of the things that Ivlin is certainly bad on doing is accepting unrequited love. Especially with that pain on her chest.





	1. Expecting the Impossible

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AbsoluteSpoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbsoluteSpoon/gifts).



> I apologize for any english mistakes at this. Enjoy :3

I slowly start waking up. I rub my eyes and sit on my bed. I'm not really that sleepy. I wonder if Sieg is awake. When I look around, I see nobody. This is weird. Did everyone go out and leave me here? Why?

Whatever. I'll get dressed, I can think about this later. I take off my pajamas and put on my normal clothes. I can't help but notice that the house is completely silent. Maybe everyone is still sleeping. Or they really left me alone here. I go towards the door to leave, but when I approach, I can hear a faint sound. I quickly recognize it. Satanica and Sieg are talking.

"If you need anything tell me..." she says in a soft tone.

"A-Alright..." he mumbles something that I can't hear.

I'm not eavesdropping. I just can't control what I hear and what I do not; and it's not my fault that I'm hearing their conversation.

"Seriously, tell me. If you don't tell me, I'll get angry." she says in a irritated tone.

Is she threatening him? This makes me angry. 

"A-Ah... R-Right... I, need to g-go out later t-though... Agh..." he says.

He's going out? I wonder where is he going...

"Okay... but now, rest."

"N-No, I'm s-sure I'll be f-fine..." he says.

"Please, rest? Please?" she pleads.

She's so annoying. He said he was fine, she doesn't need to be all worried. She always does this. 

"S-Satanica... I'm f-fine..." he repeats.

"Please, rest a bit? For me?" she insists.

I want to go there and smack her in the face. I can't stand her. 

"B-But... I-I'm, fine..."

"For me? Please?"

"But I... Ah..."

She's making him embarrassed now. I hate her.

"Pleeeease?"

"But I... D-Don't... I, ahh...."

...Or maybe this is just me being jealous. Maybe she's right. If he isn't feeling well, he should rest for a bit...

"I'm pleading!"

"I d-don't want to t-though... I've got s-something I need to do, t-too..."

This sounds really important... I wonder what it is. But I'll stop thinking about it, it's none of my business after all.

"But what if something happens? I don't think you are good... I'm just worried..."

"W-What would h-happen? No one's after me... I-I hope..."

"What if you pass out? You didn't seem well."

Is he really feeling that bad? Or is she just exageratting, like she does with everything?

"I'm sure I w-won't... I'm sure I'm just t-tired..."

"That's another reason for you to rest!"

I hate to admit it, but she does have a point here. Actually, I don't even know anymore. I'll stop thinking about this.

"B-But... This things i-important!"

"Your health is more important!"

"But I'm fine, r-really!"

"Okay then... but if you feel bad, anything, the smallest thing, come back!"

"A-Alright, I w-will... I m-might be back later, anyway..." he says.

The house is completely silent again. Looks like they stopped talking. I sigh and sit on my bed. I probably won't see him today. I'm left alone with my thoughts, until I hear footsteps. Sieg comes in. He came to see me before he was going to leave?

"Ah, Ivlin...?" he called.

"Ah, hey..." I say in the most natural way I can and blush a bit.

"Hi... Ah, hey, c-could I talk to you about something, j-just for a moment...?" he asks.

"A-ah, sure."

"T-Thanks..." he sits down next to me. I can feel my eart race a little. "There's just, some, t-things that have been on my mind..."

"You can talk to me..."

"See, I w-was wondering... I-If I were to, say, h-have feelings for someone, when I was already in a relationship..." What? Is he talking about him and Satanica? Does he really consider their relation a relationship? Does... Does he like her? "T-That doesn't make me a bad person... D-Does it...?"

I try to ignore my negative thoughts as much as I can and think positive ones. Only like that I can help him. Maybe I'm this person he's talking about. Maybe he likes me... That sounds like a dream. It's probably not me. I know it isn't me. But I'll ask anyway.

"Well... I don't think so. B-but... you have... f-feelings for someone?..." I blush a bit more.

"Y-Yeah..." I could see he blush slightly. "I d-don't know how to go about it, t-though..."

"R-really? A-and... if you don't mind m-me asking... w-who... is that p-person?"

My heart is beating so fast that I can feel it without putting my hand on my chest. I'm nervous. 

"W-Well... I g-guess I can t-tell you... It's, ahh, N-Nadine..." he says.

It feels like he just stabbed me on the heart. I already expected that. So why did it hurt so much? I feel like my world just crumbled. It hurts so much.

"Ah... I-I see... i-it's okay... I-I mean, you can love w-whoever you want..." I blush more and look away awkwardly. 

I'm trying my best to hide the pain, but it's not easy.

"Ah, r-right... Hey, a-are you alright...?" he asks.

I can't say I'm not. If I do, he'll discover everything. Please no.

"O-of course I-I am! W-why n-not?" 

"You, j-just seem b-bothered by something..."

"N-no, I-I'm fine..." I faked a smile on my face. "See?"

I'm such a liar.

"A-Alright, if you say s-so..." He rests his head on my shoulder. It feels so good... "Y-You'll say if you n-need anything though, w-won't you?"

"O-of course... but d-don't w-worry about m-me..." I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

"Ahh, y-you're a bit late there, ahah... I w-worry about you a-all the t-time..." he tells me.

He worries about me? It feels good to know that. I shouldn't be happy that he worries about me... I'm a bad person. What if he worries about me all day long? I don't want him to feel worried, but at the same time, I do. 

"N-no, you don't n-need to, r-really...!"

"B-But I do... I c-care about y-you..."

Yes, but not in the way that I do.

"I-I also... I also really c-care about you..."

Maybe I shuld stop talking about my feelings. What if I say something weird and he discovers?

"T-Thank you... R-Really!" He blushes more. "Y-You know, I was thinking, a-about what you said about your hands... Y-You said people normally d-don't like them didn't you...?"

"Y-yeah..."

"Well, I just w-wanted to say... D-Don't listen to them..." He puts his hand on mine, and it feels so warm... "Forget what they say... I actually, r-really like them..." He blushes even more.

It feels so good to have him praising me. I feel like I can do anything in the world. Anything.

"T-thank you...! I-I'm really g-grateful..." I smile, and I can feel my face going all red... "Haha..." I laugh awkwardly.

"N-No problem..." He smiles back. "They're c-cute... And, I c-can't explain why, b-but... They, f-feel r-really nice, and w-warm..." He's blushing heavily now, but still not as much as me.

I need to know his opinion on all this. But I can't just ask him directly. He can't know. Seems that I'll have to lie again.

"Ah, also... a... friend of m-mine i-is having some p-problems with l-love... and I-I'd like to know y-your opinion..."

Liar.

"Oh, s-sure... I'll, t-try and help if I c-can!"

"W-well... she is in love with someone... but he loves someone else... do you think that that makes her selfish...? She's afraid that if he discovers, he'll start hating her..."

I don't want to lie anymore.

"N-No, of course n-not... I-I'd say that's perfectly normal..."

Does he really think like that? I don't understand... every time he conforts me in any way, I feel so good. Like I can do anything. But this time, I don't feel anything out of normal. I'm still afraid.

"R-really? It's b-because... m-many people h-hate her because s-she did some b-bad things that she r-regrets... and s-she doesn't w-want more h-hate... especially f-from him..."

What if he puts everything together and starts hating me even more than he normally would if he discovered? He'll think that I'm a monster. I almost destroyed an world. I almost killed someone for my own selfish reasons. It's nobody's fault that I ended up like this. Only mine.

"W-Well... If there's one thing I learnt, f-from time with Tatsumiya and Wadanohara, i-it's that you should always give people a second chance... N-No matter what..."

He knows about what I've done. Does he really think that I can be a good person? Does he think I deserve another chance?

"I see... thank you for h-helping me..." I smile slightly.

"It's alright... I s-said you could always talk to me, d-didn't I?"

"Y-yeah... but t-thanks anyway..."

"It's alright, d-don't worry about it... Ah, and, good luck, t-to your friend..."

Thank you. 

"Okay..."

He takes his head off my shoulder. "H-Hey, if you d-don't mind me asking, w-who is your friend...?"

No. Something bad had to happen. I'll have to lie again. I don't want to lie again. Please no...

"A-ah, i-it's someone f-from my w-world..."

Liar.

"Oh, I s-see... Ah, you know, w-while I was away, I a-actually went to your world!" he tells me.

He went to the Flame Underworld? I hope he liked it. I hope he was treated nicely. Though he probably hated it. Everyone hates it.

"R-really? Well... w-what did you think about it?" I ask, afraid of the answer.

"I-It was really nice! It looked cool, a-and everyone there was nice!"

I expected that answer. But what if it's not true? Maybe he's saying it just to be nice. He's a way too good person to tell that he hated my world in my face.

"Ah, I'm glad that you like it..."

But I can't complain. I understand.

"I was, t-thinking of going again sometime, a-actually..."

Wait. So he really liked it? I don't think that he would go there again just to make me happy... I'm so grateful.

"If you want... we can go... together..."

I shouldn't have said that.

"I-I'd like that..." He blushes slightly. "It would b-be nice..."

"Okay then... ah, are you going out today? I heard you saying that you were going to do something important... I-I wasn't e-eavesdropping, I-I swear!"

Liar. Again. I told myself that I would stop thinking about this. That I'd stop getting into his business. But of course, it was just lies.

"Ahah, I-I'm sure you w-weren't... W-Well, I might h-have to..."

"Ah... are you going now?"

"W-Well... I can stay, i-if you want m-me to..."

A part of me wants to say yes. And stay with him. But this part is selfish. I can't think just about myself. I don't want him to be late to something important.

"Ah, if it's important, I think you should go now..."

It hurts my already broken heart to say this, but he won't like me if I am a selfish person.

"W-Well, it c-could wait..."

"Well, okay then..."

We spent some time in silence. I am mostly spacing out, thinking about what that. From what he told me, Nadine is a very good person... she's lucky to have him. I wish I could be like her. Am I jealous again? I just don't get it. I don't get why so many bad things are happening to me. I can't understand this. I wish the world would explain it to me.

"Ah, w-why did you want me to s-stay exactly? Ah, s-sorry if I sound r-rude..."

Hearing he say this breaks my thoughts and I focus only on him again.

"A-ah, if you don't want to, i-it's fine!"

"N-No, that's n-not what I m-meant! I'm j-just curious, t-that's all!"

"Oh, okay. Well, it's just that... I like to stay with you... we're friends, right?"

What am I saying? I'm not saying this! No!

"Yeah, of course we are!" He smiles. "You're one of my closest friends..."

I don't smile back. The word "friends" hurts me.

"You're also one of my closest friends."

Then why do I keep saying it? 

"Ah, I'm glad... Ah, sorry." He takes his hand off mine. "I f-forgot to move my hand, heh..."

"It's okay, really!"

I smile brightly to him. It hurts. 

"Ah, a-alright! Oh, i-if you don't mind me a-asking... W-What's it like? Ah, b-being the ruler of a world, I-I mean..."

Why is he asking ME this? I shouldn't even be considered a real devil. I'm the worst devil. That's what everyone tells me.

"It's very difficult... we have to have many responsabilities, and even go to these devil meetings that we have sometimes... I don't really like to go, but I have to."

I hate to go. I wish I could stay home and not leave.

"Yeah, I can understand why you wouldn't want to go... Do the Gods have meetings too, then?"

"Yes, they do..."

"Ah, right... It must be a lot of hard work..."

"Yes, it is. It's tiring sometimes... and there are some people that are a bit afraid, because devils and gods may sound scary when you see it exactly."

Not me. I'm too weak to be scary.

"Yeah, I can see that happening... I don't know if I'd want to be a devil or god..."

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't. But if this is what I am, then I'll accept it."

I can't change my fate. I was destined to suffer, so I can't change it.

"Ah, that's very noble of you... I'd try to be the best I could, since I know a lot of the gods are evil... I, don't know about the devils though..."

"Ah, they aren't really bad. But I don't really know them well. In the meetings, I mostly stay by myself."

"Ah, right... I heard of a Devil called Rosaliya once, from Elux... She was on about some God, too... Liliya, or Lilly, I don't really remember... They sounded stupid, though."

Ah, yes, I remember Rosaliya. I saw her at the meetings.

"I'd say she is the only one that doesn't hate me there... or doesn't have a reason to, at least."

I think I'm talking way too much about myself. I'll change the subject.

"But what did Elux say about her and her god?" I ask, faking curiosity. Does that make me bad?

"Something about the God making her cry... The God lost all their angels eventually, too, I think."

He deserved it.

"Ah, I see. I was with her in a meeting one time. She kept talking for hours, haha..."

That day. She approached me and took me to a near table, then she just started rambling about things that I didn't even understand. I was so confused, but I stayed with her. 

"Ahah, I see... I'm ah, glad you and Rosaliya get along, at least..."

We don't exactly "get along". She just doesn't do anything bad to me. But I guess that it really means we get along.

"But I prefer to have to listen to her talking than to spend all the meeting with Satanica and Reficul..."

The days where I have to stay with them are the worst. That's why I wish I could not go.

"Yeah, I can understand... Ah, I wish they would just leave you alone..."

"Me too, but this probably isn't happening... I wish I could not go to these meetings."

I have already accepted that they are going to torment me forever. I really was born to suffer. Only to suffer. 

"Yeah... Ah, you know... I guess, if I was a God, or a Devil, I'd have to choose someone who I could trust, someone to, I guess, basically be second in command, but I don't know who I'd choose... Haha, I've thought this through too much..."

I know I am a devil already, but I wish I could be his second in command. But I can't really do anything, so I guess I would just try to help him find someone. Or he could just create a head angel. That would be easier.

"You could create your head angel if you were a god..." I suggested.

"Ah, true... I guess that would be a lot easier..."

"Yes... If you were a god, do you think that you would be in peace with your devil?"

I wish I could be in peace with Lord Siralos. I wish he could like me again. If he ever liked me, I mean. Or at least hate me less. But that's never going to happen. It's useless to speculate about something that is never going to happen. I say this, but that's what I do all the time.

"I'd definitely try to... I wouldn't want us to hate each other, at the very least..."

"Yeah... most worlds aren't in peace... or at least, real peace."

Just because they are not fighting, it doesn't mean that they are in peace.

"Ah, true... I feel bad for the angels and demon's that get caught up in it all, mostly..."

"Me too..."

"I just wish everything wasn't so complicated..."

"I hope that someday things get better to everyone."

If something good will never happen to me, the less I can do is hope that the are happening to other people.

"Yeah, so do I... Never understood why people have to fight..."

"True, it's just unnecessary."

"Yeah... Heh, we could be the peacemakers for the worlds, at this rate..."

It would be nice to do that with him.

"Haha, that would be nice..."

"Haha, yeah... But, atleast we've got some peace and alone time for now..."

It's nice to be with him now. I feel like I have no problems. I want to stay like this forever... I don't feel happy, but I don't feel sad. I feel calm.

"True..."

"Say..." He put his hand on mine again. "I was just c-curious, and, s-sorry that this is so sudden, b-but, if you don't mind me a-asking, d-do you have a, c-crush on a-anyone...?"

No... why are you asking me this now? I don't have to lie again... how am I gonna be a good person to you if I have to lie to you all the time? 

"Ah, s-sorry if I'm p-prying..." he quickly adds.

"A-ah, it's f-fine. I-I don't h-have a c-crush. I d-don't think s-someone would l-love me b-back, even if I d-did love them, anyway." 

I feel so bad. I want to vomit. I want to cry. Everything was going so well. But of course, it was just stupid of me to think that it would stick with that. 

"A-Ah, d-don't be silly! I'm sure they'd like you back!" he says, trying to confort me.

I don't feel any better.

"T-thanks..." I thank him anyway.

"Ah, no problem... B-Besides, even if they didn't, y-you could probably win them over!"

If you only knew, you wouldn't say that.

"Maybe..."

"I mean... Y-You're really c-cute, so you'd have a s-starting point..." he blushed.

Does he think I'm cute? I would normally be happy that he thinks that, but... why does it matter, if he doesn't like me? 

"Y-you think I'm c-cute...?" I blush more.

"Y-Yeah... P-Plus, you're r-really k-kind..."

No, I'm not. I'm a horrible person. I feel guilty. I don't deseve this.

"T-thanks..."

"N-No p-problem... Ah, h-hey... You know your daughter, P-Poemi...?" 

"Y-yes... w-what about her?"

"Ah... W-Well, it's j-just... When we do g-go to your world, you don't think she'll, d-dislike me, do you...? I-It's just... I-I don't know... I g-guess I'm just nervous..."

Of course she won't. Who could dislike him? 

"No, o-of course n-not! I'm s-sure she'll l-like you..."

"Ah... A-Alright! I guess I just, d-don't have a lot of self esteem, agh..."

Why doesn't he? He has all the reasons to have high self-esteem. He's a great person. Whereas me...

"I c-can r-relate to that..."

"Ah, I-I'm sorry to h-hear..." He wraps his arms around me in a accepting hug. "I h-hope you feel b-better at some p-point..."

He really is a selfless person... both of us have the same problem, yet he's doing his best to confort me... this makes me feel like a monster. 

"Yeah, you too..." I hug him back, as thight as I can.

"Thanks... Ah, I-I know I said it before, b-but... Your hands, t-they... I c-can't describe it, b-but... They, feel r-really n-nice..."

"Thank you..."

"D-Don't mention i-it..."

We stay like this some time, until we stop hugging.

"Ah s-sorry to be a joy kill, b-but... I t-think I'll need to go s-soon..." he says.

"N-no, it's fine, really!" 

"Ah, a-alright..."

He gets up, and I feel so lonely. I wave him bye, he waves back and leaves. My heart shatters another time. I want to run up to him, grab his arm and start pulling him back, while crying and begging for him to not leave me alone. This is so stupid. 

I don't want to stay here. I don't want to stay here with her. I want to go back to my world. Yes, that's what I'll do... I want to get away. I have to relax. I should probably go get Licorice, too... no, I don't need to do that. He knows the way himself and he can easily go there if he wants. I just want to be alone now.  

 

I open a portal to my world and come in. I'm back there. It's the same as always. I think it's been a week since I was there for the last time, so that means that I can stay here for a week. Great. Despite everything, I'm grateful that Satanica lets me stay in my world for some periods of time. Even though I have to go back after that.

I enter my castle, feeling more defeated than anything. With no warning, I fall leaning on the wall. My face is already full of tears. Why? Why? 

Some minutes pass and I finally cease crying. Surprisingly, I feel a little better. I guess that it calmed me, to put all these feelings out. But I still feel very stressed... I think I should do something to calm myself down. I head to my room and lie on the bed. I close my eyes and try to rest. I feel less tired. I think I should take a bath now. I get up and open the bathroom door. It's very easier to have a bathroom on your room. 

I come in and close the door. I start taking off my clothes, until I'm completely naked. I look down and see the scars from that day on my chest. I put my fingers on one of them, but quickly move it away in a impulse. It hurts... it stings. But not as much as it hurt when the spears were there. That was excruciating. They burned my skin in a way that I felt that I was completely on fire. I examine the scars covering my chest and carefully put my hand on them. I wonder what Sieg would think if he saw them. He would probably be disgusted. But I won't think about this, because he'll never see me naked anyway, so he won't see these things either.

I look stupid like this, standing naked in the middle of the bathroom and thinking about these things. I turn on the sink of the bathtub and wait for it to be full. When I think that it's enough, I turn it off and come in.

The water is warm and it feels very nice in contact with my body. I feel very relaxed... I close my eyes. It's so calming. I feel safe. I grab a hair tie to tie my hair, because I don't want it to be wet. I sigh and rest my head against the wall. I feel so good that I could sleep here. I don't want to leave...

After some time, I decide to leave. I leave the bathtub and drain it. I untie my hair and start drying myself. I actually enjoyed this time. It was short but it really helped me to calm down. I didn't even think about this stressful things that I normally think about. When I leave the bathroom, I'm already ready to go to sleep. It's very late... I didn't even feel the time passing. I acually spent much more time in the bathtub than I thought I had. Why do good things have to end so fast?

I lie down in my bed and close my eyes. This day is over. I hope that good things will happen tomorrow.


	2. Sorrow and Regret

I fall on my knees for my legs are too weak for me to keep standing. Every part of my body hurts... it aches... I feel blood and tears running down my face wildly and I try to make as less sounds that I can. I lower my head, looking at the ground, and soon there is a pool of tears there. Reficul is there, standing in front of me. 

"Something happened to you, didn't it?" she says.

Is this a rhetorical question? I don't know what to say, so I just keep crying.

"So something really did happen."

How can she know this? She knows nothing about my life. I still say nothing.

"Are you going to tell me what happened, or do I have to take the answers out myself?" she threatens me.

"H-how can y-you know t-that s-something h-happened?" I say, my voice cracking as the tears wet my pale cheeks.

"I should make you anser my question first, but I'll answer anyway." Reficul says. "I noticed that you were crying more than usual today."

...

I won't say anything.

"You are also really quiet today." she added maliciously.

I don't want to tell her. But I want someone to talk to about this... I'm tired of keeping my feelings just to myself. But why would I tell her? She wouldn't care anyway. And if she did, she'd probably mock me about it. She hates me, that's what she does.

I pretend that I didn't hear her teasing me. I stop crying, but I can still feel the tears on my eyes. Suddenly, with no warning, Reficul grabs me by the chin and pulls my head up abruptly, forcing our eyes to meet. She is curved so she can see me better. I blink, trying to dry my tears so she doesn't laugh at me, but they are still there.

"Do you want me to punch you in the face?" she asks.

I'm sure that this one is a rhetorical question. I say nothing. I don't even blink. As expected, she punches me on the face, letting go of my chin. Blood runs out from my already broken nose and my mouth. I don't even feel the tears falling now. I only know that I am crying because I see more tears filling the little pool under my head. 

"What do you want?" I finally ask, my voice hoarse because of crying so much.

"I want to know what happened."

I know that she doesn't want to know because she is worried. She would never care about me in any way. She just wants to know because I'm her "pet", after all. She just wants to torture me, even an airhead like me can figure that out. Everyone just wants to do that.

"I won't tell you." I mumble, loud enough for her to hear.

"Where did you get all that courage all of a sudden?" she asks, in a more amused tone than an angry one.

"From the bottom of my heart." I spit back,

What the hell am I saying? I just felt like saying this. 

"Hmmm... Interesting." I can't see her since I'm looking down, but somehow I know that she smiled.

I'm panting heavily. 

"So it's an emotional thing, huh?" 

I guess I can't really hide things, huh? So my urge of unburdening with someone was bigger than the little bit of self-respect that I still had... nice. 

"What is bothering you?" she repeats, and this time, I have a feeling that I need to give her an answer.

"I feel guilty." I say. 

Reficul grabs me by the chin again, gently this time. She stares at me for a few seconds and then smiles.

"If you are feeling guilty, then it is because you deserve to be guilty."

She lets go of my chin-- no, she throws my head down, making me look at my pool of tears again and stands tall. I lift my head to look at her, put she already turned around. Is she leaving like that, without saying another word? What's wrong with her?

"Where are you going?" I ask, ready to get up.

"I'm leaving."

What the hell? I don't understand anything anymore. I quickly get on my feet and walk over to her, every time I step on the ground being a loud noise. I'm furious. My hair is completely orange. I grab her by the shoulder and pull her, making her turn around to me. Before I can even say anything, she slaps me on the face and I fall. I feel my hair going back to normal. My cheek stings.

"What?" she says.

I get up and try to ignore the pain. I look at her decidedly.

"I wanted to know... what you meant by that." I say.

"By saying that you deserve to be guilty?"

"Yes."

"If you are feeling guilty, that's your punishment."

This just gives me more questions, not answers! "My punishment"?

"Please, explain it to me."

"If you have done bad, things, you'll receive horrible things in return. That's your punishment." she explains.

Then... all these bad things that have been happening to me, all these years of suffering are my punishment? Have I really done so many bad things? I am speechless. It makes sense. The world is punishing me for being a bad person. 

"When will my punishment end?" I need to know. 

"When you get everything you gave." she responds.

Will this take long? I want it to end soon. I'm feeling bad.

"How... how can I make these things stop forever?"

"That's up to you."

I can't do this.

"I don't think I can do this." I manage to stutter out.

"Do you want to be a big failure for the rest of your life?"

No... Sieg will hate me if I'm just a burden. 

"N-no..." I stammer.

"I expected that." she says and turns around.

She creates a portal for her own world and gets in. I stare at the place she was for a few minutes, but I finally turn around. I should take care of these injuries before I bleed out and die. 

Some minutes later, I think that these injuries are already estabilizated. It doesn't hurt as much as before. 

...

I'm thinking about what Reficul told me. So during all these years, I was only getting what I deserve. I don't want this to happen anymore. I want to stop being hurt. But how is my punishment ever going to end, if just by being there I'm already doing bad things? I'm jealous. I'm possessive. I'm a bad person. I should simply respect Sieg's choice. He has no obligation to love me, especially knowing what I have done in the past. I believe in what I say. Yet, I can't apply it on my life. Why am I so weak? 

I think that I'm just sad that nobody loves me. Am I a mistake to the point where I can't even be loved? But why would Lord Siralos create a mistake? Ah, that's right. To make me suffer. I know that he hates me and wants me to suffer, but still, I can't stop loving him. That's so weak. I'm so weak. I can already feel the tears in my eyes. Just by thinking of him, I already want to cry. 

"WHY AM I SO WEAK?!" I scream and punch a near table as hard as I can.

Why did I do this? I just screamed. My hand hurts. I look around me. I'm feeling really uneasy. I don't want to stay here anymore. I don't want to be here. I want to run away. I want to be far away from everything and forget all these unpleasant things. But I'll never be able to. I'm crying more. The tears are flowing down. I start going towards the door. I don't know where I am going. It can be anywhere. I just want to run.

I leave the castle and start running. My hands are shaking so much. Everyone is looking at me. I must look pathetic. I'm a pathetic devil. I just run without stopping. I'm still crying. I don't want to be here any longer.

...

I don't know where is this. What's wrong with me? I just started running. What if something happens, what if I get hurt? It's just part of my punishment. Yeah. So it's okay. The more I get hurt, the faster my punishment will end.

...What am I saying? I don't want pain. I don't think I deserve all of this. But I have no choice, so I'll take it. But I'll try to avoid getting hurt as much as I can. I won't think about this anymore. I can think about this when I get home safely. Getting out of here is my top priority now. Let's see... 

I look around me. I don't know what this place is. I think I ran for more than half an hour. I don't even know if I'm still in my world. No, I definitely am... it has the features of my world, but I've never been here. I'm scared... I'm scared that I'll never be able to see anyone again. And I didn't even warn anyone that I was going out. Now everyone will get worried for me. I'm shaking.

I wonder what Licorice is thinking right now. What would he do if I just disappeared? He would be all alone. He would blame himself, just like I do. No. No, I don't want him to become like me. I don't want Licorice to be as much as a failure as I am. I want him to be happy. I want everyone to be happy. I don't wish anyone to go through what I am right now. Not even my worst enemy. This is horrible. 

But if I go back, I'll just be more of a failure. I don't want to be a failure for the rest of my life... no...

I fall on the ground, my whole body convulsing. I hug myself to be in the shape of a ball. The tears are already streaming down my face. My sobs are loud. I don't care if I'm making noises. Nobody is going to hear anyway. 

"Why... why can't I just..." I whisper between sobs, my voice shaking. 

I hug myself tighter. I wish I had never commited this insanity. Now I'm lost in my own world, and I don't even know which direction I came from. This is nobody's but my fault. If I hadn't tried to get closer to Sieg, this would never have happened. If I had never doubted Lord Siralos, none of this would have ever happened. That was my first sin. I deserve to have the same happen to me. I deserve to be betrayed. I destroyed so many worlds, so many lifes... innocent lifes. I look at my hands and tears drop on them. I have commited murder with these hands so many times. I'm horrible.

I have to go even further away. I have to restrain myself and go to a place where I'm all alone and I can't see anyone. Only like that, nobody will get hurt by me. I'm scared. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared about what will I do if I stay with people. I'm a disappointment. I disappointed Lord Siralos. But now, he'll never see me again, so he won't have to face the failure that I have become. Nobody will. I stumble to get up. I'm exhausted, but I can't stay here. I have to go even deeper into this place. Somewhere where I'll never be found.

I start running again. I can't see anything, for my vision is too blurry from crying. But I just have to keep running. I trip over something and I start rolling on the ground. I feel myself falling, but I quickly grab something and stop. My vision is more clear now. It's a cliff. I'm holding on a rock. I just have to climb up... but at the same time, it's so good to be here like this. It's fresh. The breeze is calming. The wind strokes my hair gently. I wish there was someone to do this to me. It's surprisingly relaxing to be here. I want to stay...

I'm really weird. I'm in a life-threatening situation, and I'm thinking about the breeze? I could fall at any minute now, but I'm thinking about Sieg stroking my hair. I'm too reckless. I'm going to climb up soon. I just want to enjoy this a bit more. The wind is a bit cold... which is ironic regarding my world. It's good. I decide to look down...

My vision flashes red. Suddenly, the truth slaps me hard in the face. The cliff is way too high. If I slip and fall, I'm going to die. DIE. I look down again. I'm feeling dizzy. I want to vomit. My vision is flashing red again. I close my eyes. I'm seeing flashbacks from my banishment. I close my eyes shut, but I still see the scenes. No... no... please, stop...

"N-no... s... s-stop... don't..."

I start whispering to nobody. My hands are shaking, but I hold on the rock tighter. I don't want to let go.. I don't want to die... I promised that I would be a good person. I have to remember that this punishment is only temporary. One day it will end. I don't know when, but one day it will. And this is the thought that will move me n through the days. I feel more confident and motivated. I'm strong. I can do this. I lift myself with effort and when I notice, I'm sitting on the rock. I recuate backwards, still sitting. This was scary. I could have died here. 

I have to go home now. Licorice must be worried sick about me. He's only a child. I can't leave him alone. That's why I have to go back home... for my son. He is the only one that loves me. I get up with some effort. My feet hurt and my legs are bleeding. They are full of cuts, so are my arms... it must be when I was rolling on the dirt. Yes, I'm full of dirt too... on my clothes, on my face, on my hair, everywhere. It hurts, but I'm alive.

I start walking slowly so that I won't hurt myself more. I choose a random direction and hope for the best. I see nothing in the distance... just how far did I go? This was a stupid idea. I didn't think about the consequences. I just ran like an idiot. And now I'm lost, like an idiot... I hope that I can go back.

...

I recognize this place. I'm near home... I can see my castle from far away. I slightly smile. After some time, I'm there. I get home fast. I can't let anyone see me in this state. What would they think? When I'm inside of my castle, I sigh in relief. I take off and throw my scarf and coat on the ground. They are stained with a gross mix of mud and blood. I'm so exhausted. My feet and legs are killing me. I throw myself in the couch and close my eyes to rest.

What I did was so stupid. I almost got myself killed. Yet I think that I deserved that. Is that what they felt? Despair? Agony? Knowing that you can die in any instant? Just the thought of it makes me shiver. I finally got what I gave. Does this mean that my punishment is over? And that now I just have to focus on being a good person so that the good things will start happening? I hope so. 

I should take a bath now. After all, I'm all dirty... I'm stained with mud and blood too. And I can't let Licorice see me like this. I head to my bathroom and take all my clothes off. When the bathrub is filled, I come in. The feeling is so peaceful that it feels like I've been enveloped in tenderness...

"So warm..." I whisper.

I feel safe. I'm at home, nothing can happen to me now. I want to feel like this forever. Things should get better now, but... I have a bad feeling. What if it's not over yet? I don't feel safe anymore. I'm a little scared now. I know that nothing can happen right now, but I'm still afraid neverthless. 

I leave the bathtub after some time and drain all the water. The small cuts on my arms and legs are barely visible, so I don't have to worry. My clothes are still dirty, though. I should wash them later. I just get another outfit, and of course, another scarf, and put them on. I get the bloody clothes on the bathroom floor and take them to the washing machine. I just put them there and turn it on. I'm so tired. I want to sleep... it's so early, though.

I think I'll just rest my eyes a bit. My legs still hurt, and they'll probably keep aching tomorrow... damn it. I can only feel like I'll suffer much more. Why am I feeling like this? No, that's right... I know I'll have to pay more for what I've done. I've done so many bad things. And I'm still trying to become a good person so Sieg can like me. I'm a vulgar creature...

...

I should stop being so harsh to myself. I'm doing my best to become good. I will never do this kind of things anymore. That's what matters. Now I'll just have to take everything I deserve and then it'll be over. Yeah. I can do this. I have to fight. I have to fight for everyone... I can't be weak. I'm not weak. I'll win this. I just have to keep going. If I don't believe that I can do this, I won't be able to do it. I need motivation. 

I think that I should just go to sleep now. This day was really tiring, and everything still hurts so much... Licorice shouldn't be here at this time, though, so at least he won't see my in this state. He'll only see me when I'm better and I can actually pay more attention to him... I feel that I haven't been taking much care of him with all this stress that I've been going through recently. But when I get better, everything will be back to normal again. Everyone will be happy... that's why I have to try. The next time I fail in something, I'll think about everyone. 

But I guess that I can just think about this tomorrow. I'm sleepy. I get in a more comfortable position and try to sleep. I'm a bit calmer. If things are really going to get better, only time will tell...


End file.
